The Secret Life of Me...

So, it's been an extremely long time since I've posted... about a year!
I've actually been away and without internet! :(
A little introduction...
It's been a very long time that I have dealt with eating disorders. At first, it was strictly not eating and restricting, but now it's moved on to restricting, and if I eat a meal, purging. (Very bad for you, I know.)
Anyway, I'm looking forward to being back!

Ok , so there is no questions involved in this post, just wanted to write a bit of an update on me, and anyone that wants to comment- FEEL FREE!!

Ok, so I've started a new job (I'm a dancer) and I've been given 3 days to learn a full show and perfect it! Crap! Stressful. My partner is very srict and a real perfectionist. Not only does he want me to know the choreography but he is VERY concerned about all the details, where I look, how I look at him, what's the intention, etc. I'm so nervous to start and I want to do it well cause I'm a perfectionist myself.
Also, I have realised, well, not realised, but finally admitted to myself that, yep, the guy I was kinda seeing, I have fallen in love with him. Geez, that sounds so corny and cliche, which is the exact reason why I''ve been denying the whole flipping thing. The thing is we decided not to be together because I am moving and neither of us want to get involved and get more hurt than we need to be. The thing is, I'm totally doubting if he ever felt the way I do, and if he did (which he said he did), it is so evident that it's over. He's moved on and I SO haven't and it f@*king hurts so bad.
Next, I don't know why, I've been great for over a month now, and we all know how long a month can feel, I've gone back to bulimia. I can't understand why. I totally caved the other night. I ate a salad and threw it up. No real reason. This last month I've fought through really tough feelings of wanting to purge and just like that I've fallen off the wagon! I'm supposing it was a subconcious thing to replace self harming. I had a really bad run about 2 weeks ago and really scared and hurt some of my closest family and friends. It scared me too and I know that that needs to stop. I guess I've put all my energy into that and gone back to old habits. What a loser!
Well, nothing else.

Hey guys,

So...

Things have gone belly up...
Little of my history first... So, as a kid, I had some abuse situations, been suffering with different ed, ednos (various degrees of severity but always I've been with something) for about 10 years, just found out someone I'm really close to is sick and I've fallen for a guy and it's been really confusing and basically being played.
So, I have been really depressed the last few weeks and really been self harming a lot. One night I came back to the apartment hysterical, crying and scratching my wrists, like I was trying to get all the layers of skin off (which I achieved quite successfully...). Anyway, then I did it again a few nights later. It was quite a sight- blood, sweat, tears, lack of breathing, etc. You know what I'm on about...
Well, needless to say my friend wasn't exactly impressed that he had to hold me forcefully to stop me from doing anything else. He spoke to my mom and told her! Oh NO! I'm away from home at the moment, living in another country and she is insisting I come home and have real therapy. Shit!
So, what do I do?! I've had to promise that I'll go or they're going to admit me.
I don't want to get fat and I am scared of having to deal with deep issues...

Help!! Ideas, support, jokes, something? Anything?!

Thanks! xo

Ok, chicas (chicos, for the few are on here!!!)
May I just say what the f@*k was up with yesterday?!!?!? It was horrible- started horrible and ended horrible!! GRR!!!!
Start...
I got up and weighed myself.. DUH! 2 kgms (4.4lbs) more than the day before... AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Ok, ok, don't panic. We won't eat today... But I was so hungry. Ok, rice crackers. But NO MORE!! And also, I am tired, no energy, nada!
Went and did a tour (I'm travelling at the moment- have to do some turist-y things!). Came back home. The whole way, walking and saying... Not going to eat anymore, not going to eat anymore... Rice and tuna (small amount, but this day started as a no food day!). NO MORE, NOTHING, YOU HEAR ME! And I'm still tired, no energy, nada.
Went to my first class (acrobatics). Class went well. Yes, things are picking up. Left class and going towards ballet class. Must not eat anymore, must not, cannot, weigh a lot more, don't do it, don't do it! Ate dried pineapple and dried bananas (so bad for you!!!). Ok, but don't you dare eat the whole amount and no more for today, NO MORE!!! But still, lacking the energy to do anything, want to be in bed. Cant go to bed- keep eating and weigh almost 5lbs more than yesterday... keep going!
Ok, Yes, I didn't eat the whole thing and arrived to class. Did class! Can we say PUSH through it!! Completed the class. Now, no eating, nope, no more. GO TO THE GYM!!
Went to the gym. No energy, no motivation, want to be in bed. Did 30 pathetic minutes...
Came home.. Energy-less, want to go to bed but going to a show tonight. No eating, none, you can't!!! Finished the dried fruits... Shit! And no less while I was on this site... double shit!!
Went to show and went out dancing afterwards. Don't want to, want to be in bed, but can't ate to much today- weigh too much today. Drank a coffee. Great, good work... :S
I was also meant to meet the guy I'm kinda seeing at the dancing place. No show... What the ....?!?!
Come home. 4 in the morning. Want to go to bed, sleep... not tired...
Guy messages me... went to another bar but wants to come to my house for boody call. Can we all repeat after me ... ASSHOLE... very good, everyone! Before I can even turn him down though, he hangs up on me and when I try to call back, says I'll call you in a minute. I tried again (OCD! WOO!!!) and he hangs up and turned off the phone! Nice... one more time... all together now, nice and loud... ASSHOLE!!!
Cried, scratched myself, and fell asleep at about 6:30am.
The end. (Thank goodness!!!)

I just went out and had a fucking diet coke while my friends sat there and ate fucking croisants. And, I've been busting my fucking ass at the gym and with my diet and I've lost weight. And tonight this guy that I DON'T know is telling a story about some girl and needed to decribe her and uses the sentence "She's even bigger than her" meaning me! I fucking died- I want to fucking die now!!! Then after I was totally offended was like "I was just kidding". Well, if it was a joke, it's NOT funny and if he's serious, geez, that fucking sucks!!!!
At the beginning of the year, I weighed more than I do now, and everyone kept saying "no you don't have to lose weight, you're skinny", "you're the skinny one of the group", I didn't believe them and thought they are all lying cause they don't want to tell me the truth. Now, I'm the fucking FAT joke! I'm the FAT girl!!! I knew they were fucking lying to me!
But, it's no ones fault except my own. I shouldn't be such a fat pig all the time. I have to focus. And then I bitch and complain that the guy I'm kinda seeing doesn't give the attention I deserve... well, maybe if I wasn't so fat and ugly with the personality of a pysco, he would!! Poor guy- he deserves better!!!
Anyway, you've all just been vented to... sorry, I was in such a great mood (for no apparant reason- just happy), and that seems so infrequent lately, and now I feel like ass again. Will punish myself for still being fat tomorrow!

I hate myself today.
I hate how I've become. I'm a pathetic, crying, ugly, fat mess. I don't have the mental strength to do anything right.
I don't diet properly. I'm disgusting. I don't take this seriously enough. I should have plans and programs and stick to them but I don't. I go to the gym and why don't I stay on the treadmill. No, I get off after an hour, an hour and a half. I should do more! I'm not so tired that I can't go on. I could have gone on. I should have. What gives me the right to stop?!
I chase stupidly after this poor guy and we aren't even dating. I'm such a fucking loser. I feel so bad and dumb. I knew, knew, knew, that he would play me. I was so strong for the longest time, then I listened once to what everyone was telling me... that he's a good guy, I can't live life in fear and I have to give him a shot. Well, I did and I was right- people don't want me. I'm not worth the effort.
I don't want to be here anymore but I won't even kill myself. I scratch at the inside of my wrists but would I ever go deep enough. No! Cause I'm chicken shit and obviously just a pathetic little attention seeker.
I want to stop crying, I want it to stop hurting.

A very mixed day today...
Had my audition (went well but very strange)...
Ate a big salad today and I haven't felt that full and fat in ages, so I threw it up. Problem is I'm out of practice and I couldn't do it very well. I practically had my whole hand down my throat (sorry to be so detailed!!) and now I have tell tale scratches on my knuckles and a sore throat. I'd stopped being bulimic for about 3 weeks now (ok, so I fell off the wagon early but 3 weeks feels like FOREVER!!!) and trouble is, I don't feel guilty at all, just really disappointed that I can't throw up well anymore.
I also went to the gym and did 2 hours of cardio. 30 on the bike (too scared to stay on longer- don't want my muscles to get bigger) and 1 and a half hours on the treadmill. Plus, my audition. Feel like I should be doing more though. How much exercise do you guys do and any ideas to get the purging action happening again? I'm not saying I want to go full time into throwing up again (bad for your throat and teeth- and since singing and smiling is part of my job, can't screw them up completely!!!) but I do need it as an option for when I'm really stressed. With it being so difficult, I feel like it does more damage than when I did it after eating everything. It used to just come out without force, now I feel like my head might explode from pressure!!!
Ideas...???

It is so hot here and humid, and I worked out a bunch, took my dance class and had rehearsals (maybe 5 hours in total)! And I was so thirsty and I've drank so much liquid, I feel like I'm going to burst! My stomach looks pregnant and it's not even soft and squishy- it's hard and full. It's awful and I have an audition tomorrow and I'm going to look like a PIG!!!! Too disgusting! We have to wear clothes that show our bodies and my body is not one that should be shown!!! I hate that part of my job.

Bad day today.

It's 5:15 am and I'm tired...
Can't sleep, can't sleep, can't sleep...
I have silk class and classical class tomorrow and probably rehearsals at some point. I also gotta do my hour walk at the gym. I was running hard core and was finding that my legs got bigger from the muscle. Geez, I hate being such a muscly build. All the uys are jealous that they don't have my legs!! How insulting is that?!!? I have MAN LEGS!!!
It's quite depressing cause no matter how much weight I lose I can't seem to badge too much of the muscle. I think I'd have to stop all dancing (and walking for that matter)... And dancing is my work ...so I can't exactly just quit.

Hey guys,
I feel alone and like a burden to everyone. I feel like writing this to you guys, that I'm wasting your time, energy and who I am I to bitch and complain when you all have your own problems. And, here I am going to tell you shit cause I'm a loser.
Therefore, I'm sorry to you guys but I feel like if I don't write something down then I'm going to explode.
I don't have any friends. I thought I did but if I don't call or message them, then nobody notices. I'm not going to bug them anymore. More though, I feel so stupid in thinking that people would actually want to be around me. I mean I say stupid things all the time, I'm annoying..
And, like an idiot, even though I know that no one is going to call or invite me anywhere, I sit and wait. Like this day is going to be any different to any other. I hate that false hope I have. That I'm going to have a real relationship with a guy and that one day I won't get screwed over. Or that one day I'll have a friend who actually likes me the same amount as I like them. HA!!
I'm failing at losing weight. I obviously don't want it enough or I'd be strong enough and do it. I hate that I'm such a weak person. I hate that I can't keep my mind straight on the goal of losing weight. I hate it more that part of me wants to give up and be a normal person and I also hate it that I won't give it up and be a normal person. You see how stupid I am?!?! There is a part of me that wants to STOP! And, then what?!?! Run around like a cow? How is that a good thing?! I'm striving to look as good as I possibly can and part of me wants to give up and be "normal"!! I don't want to look like a normal person on the street- I want to look better, thinner... And, how selfish is that?!?! And, how stupid is it for me to think that I could ever be like that?!?!
And, really, tell me this. What kind of person, looks in the mirror and says to them selves "Gee, that's gross. I'm looking much fatter than I did the other day" and then ends up in the kitchen fucking eating!?!?!? (excuse language- I'm sorry!!)
I'm so pissed off that I can't sleep. I feel tired. And, I hate that I complain that I'm so tired becuase obviously there are so many people out there who are more tired.
I'm pissed off that I think I have problems and there are real problems in the world. There are REAL problems out there and all I do is think of myself! Geez, I'm so selfish! People are dying, living with disabilities and I feel fat. I hate that I'm such a bitch. I'm not a nice person.
Sorry to anyone who read this all the way through.
Chau! xo

Hey, I don't really know how these journals work but I'm tired of feeling lonely (lack of a boyfriend- haha!!) and tired of not being ale to talk to anyone about food issues... hoping that this might help...